All In My Head
by HanSoloIsSoCute
Summary: She was the only one I ever shared such intimacy with, the only woman I had ever kissed. I cannot be losing her... but yet I am. Obidala rated M for flashbacks.


**Title**: All In My Head  
**Author**: Jasmine Larson  
**Time Frame**: RoTS, with flashbacks from the other movies and missing scenes.  
**Rating**: M,  
**Genre**: Angst, romance, humor  
**Summary**: Obi-Wan lost Padmé long ago, now she has given her heart to Anakin. Obi-Wan fears he is going to lose her forever soon, if he does not get her away from Anakin. Obi-Wan's POV. I requested to write this story after I watched the music video it goes with. I got permission from the creators, I had nothing to do with the creation of the music video. This story just goes with it.  
**Characters**: Obi-Wan, Padmé, brief Yoda  
**Disclaimer**: I do not own Star Wars or the video this story is affiliated with, it was created by SmokeyFizz. if you want to watch the music video, PM me for the link. Apparently they do not allow html in posts here.

* * *

_Cause it's all in my head  
I think about it over and over again  
And I can't keep picturing you with him  
And it hurts so bad, yeah..._

My heart held still as she slowly sank to the ground. Time itself did not move as if sharing my disbelief. Padmé. My love. My life. I have loved her since the day I met her, so long ago. I couldn't stand to see her with Anakin, he never knew her the way I did. Loved her the way I did. I rest my hand on her face, reach out... she is fading. Fading fast. Everything replays in my head, every moment with her since I first touched her, since we first made love. She was the only one I ever shared such intimacy with, the only woman I had ever kissed. I cannot be losing her... but yet I am.

_"Why do you always leave?" she asks me, only the white sheet, rumpled from last night's lovemaking, covering her slim body. _

_"I have to, I have no choice." I tell her, my padawan braid swinging out of my view as I turn to look at her. _

_"Why is there always something that means more to you than me?" she demands, curls draping her exposed shoulders._

_"It's not that... it's... Padmé you don't understand. I'm a Jedi, I have obligations."_

_Her lower lip trembles as she gathers the sheet around herself and stands up, "You have an obligation to me. I love you."_

_"Padmé I love--"_

_"You love nothing. Go, do your Jedi duties. I won't be here when you come back."_

And she was not; even though I searched I did not find her. She did not even leave a note… I suppose she thought she had made things clear enough. I force my eyes closed to block out the fast coming tears.

_Cause it's all in my head  
I think about it over and over again  
I replay it over and over again  
And I can't take it yeah I can't shake it  
Nooo…_

I remember out first kiss, the forbidden passion that coursed through my veins. Our bittersweet goodbyes and joyous reunions. No one ever knew, obviously I knew how to hide things better than Anakin. I had tried to reach her with the Force many times after she left, I know she felt me. But she did not respond, all I felt was cold. Cold heartbreak, a wrong I could not make right. A day I could not make night. Our bond was broken, as was my spirit. Now I know why Jedi are not to know love. Loving Padmé was something I could not deny, whether I was a Jedi or not. To Anakin I suppose it was just a turn on. I saw the way he treated her, the way he ignored her, the way he looked at other women with her on his arm. I wanted to rip his throat out.

_"You think too much." she giggles, unbuttoning my shirt._

_"Well, it does require some thinking doesn't it?"_

_"Not really." she says and pulls my lips down to hers as she slips my robe from my shoulders._

I blink quickly to push away the vivid, reoccurring memories that leap into my mind just at the mere site of her. How can she love him, marry him? How can she forget what we were without a second thought? Perhaps she does think of me. I wouldn't know, I no longer bother delving into her mind. All I see is Anakin. Images of him, his words, his lips meeting hers. The glimpses of their lovemaking were nauseating. To think that she permits him to touch her, to caress her as I did... it makes me sick to only think of it.

_I can't wait to see you  
Want to see if you still got that look in your eyes  
That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes  
And it's a shame that we got to spend our time  
Being mad about the same things  
Over and over again  
About the same things  
Over and over again..._

I remember again when we were called to her service after nearly ten years. Everything is the same. Her hair, her velvet skin... her eyes. But those eyes are not for me. They rest on another now, another I have grown to greatly resent. The lustful look in his eyes dances across her body as though it were fire, drenching her in unbearable heat and burning my soul. I want to shoot his eyes from his head so he can no longer look at her. Cut off his hands so he can no longer make her shiver from his touch. But she looks at him the same way he looks at her, looking right through me as though I were never there. I think about that moment over and over again, and it hurts so bad.

_Ohh  
But I think she's leaving  
Ooh man she's leaving  
I don't know what else to do  
I can't go on not loving you..._

I know he hurts her. I know it all too well, I know even better that there is nothing I can do about it. I think she might be leaving him, Force knows it would be the smartest thing she's done in ten years. His abuse is growing stronger; I think he has even allowed his anger to boil over to physical violence. I would give anything to save her. Anything to get her away from him, because if I do not do something soon I'm afraid that her leaving him... shall mean my giving her up completely. Even if she does not return to me, I want her to be safe.

I can no longer monitor my apprentice's thoughts, they are only images of her... much like the ones she has for him. Only his are far more... provocative. I hate the sound of her gasping, his heavy breathing... the sight of her fingers dancing across his chest the same way they did upon me, so long ago. I remember how hot her words felt against my ear as I held her tight, our worlds spinning in circles. It's all in my head. Every breath, every word, every bat of the beautiful eye.

_Cause it's all in my head  
I think about it over and over again  
And I can't keep picturing you with him  
And it hurts so bad, yeah  
Cause it's on in my head  
I think about it over and over again  
I replay it over and over again yeah  
And I can't take it yeah I can't shake it  
Nooo…_

She is going to have a child. The sight of Anakin's prideful smile when she gives him the news makes me burn with envy. Even though he will have to resign and I know the same would have been true for me... I wish she were having my child. I wish I could be the one by her side, coaxing her through the pain while she brings our offspring into the world. Whether it be a son or daughter, it mattered not. As long as it was part of her. She lied when she said I loved nothing. But she was close. I love only two things. Her, and knowing she is safe.

_I remember the day you left  
I remember the last breath you took right in front of me  
When you said that you would leave  
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything  
But I see clearly now and this chose I made keep playing in my head  
Over and over again  
Playing my head  
Over and over again..._

_"Padmé, don't you think we should have used something?" I ask, cradling the spent body next to mine. _

_I can feel her smile as she presses against me and kisses my hand, "No. If I get pregnant it will be for the best. I want to have your baby."_

_"And I want you to... but Padmé... you realize that would be the end of my knighthood. And you would surely no longer be Queen." I say into her hair, the smell itself intoxicating. _

_"My two terms will be over soon." she says, rolling over to nuzzle my neck. "As for your knighthood... no one needs to know. Not even Yoda." _

_I chuckle softly, "I believe even that near-sighted troll might notice a baby on my hip."_

_She looks up, not appreciating my joke. "Are you saying that, if we had a baby..."_

_"What?"_

_She leaves my arms and pulls a robe over her smooth skin, and looks down at me. "You would leave me before you left the Jedi wouldn't you?"_

_I hadn't known what to say. Being a Jedi was certainly important to me, but was it more important than Padmé? I didn't know. I had never loved before. Jedi were not to know love, perhaps I didn't even know how. She turned and left, and I ran after her. She ran into Yoda halfway down the hall, because we had stupidly spent the night in my room at the Jed Temple. She rolled her eyes at him, "Thank_ God _I'm not pregnant!" she shouted and pushed past him._

_Yoda stopped me and raised an eyebrow at my rumpled clothing, "What doing up there, have you two been?"_

I didn't pay attention to him right then, though I convinced him later that nothing inappropriate had occurred between the Queen and I. All I could see at that moment was her fleeting form, the way her hair flew about her shoulders and the hem of her dress whispered against the smooth floor. It's all I ever see now. Her running away from me. It was one of our last days together; I don't quite remember why she came back to me. But I wish I knew how to make her come back again.

_Ohh  
I think she's leaving  
Ooh man she's leaving  
I don't know what else to do  
I can't go on not loving you..._

_"Obi-Wan we can't I—"_

_"Padmé. Don't speak." I am breathing heavily, mind muddled with the wonderful feel of her body pressed close to mine. It is a feeling like none I have ever felt. Not even the Force could compare."If you talk enough sense into me… this may not ever happen." _

_That was when she closed and locked the door._

Another memory from our first time. They are just kept coming closer and more frequent, as if they were leading up to something. As I stand over her gasping form... I know what it was. Why every moment with her seemed precious, why I wanted to be with her so badly. Anakin is dead, to the best of my knowledge. He was my apprentice for years, my brother for the same amount of time. In a way he was almost my son. But now that he is gone all I feel is... relief. I am ashamed to admit that. I know that Padmé is better off without him. Or... she would have been. Already I feel her presence evaporating like mist in the sun as she whispers my name. I run my hand gently over her face, and am surprised when she responds to my touch. She lifts her face to follow the sliding movement of my hand; her cheek is soft as the smoothest cream. But cold. She is sweating; she is going into premature labor.

_Cause it's all in my head  
I think about it over and over again  
And I can't keep picturing you with him  
And it hurts so bad, yeah  
Cause its on in my head  
I think about it over and over again  
I replay it over and over again  
And I can't take it I can't shake it  
Nooo..._

_I hug her close to me on the balmy afternoon, her ample chest nestled close to mine. The sweet smell of flowers floats up to us, her balcony looks out on the busy city. Our moments like this are so brief, so rare they almost seem unreal. I hold her tighter in hopes that the closer she is to me... the less likely she is to disappear. She struggles slightly and I realize I am holding her too tight, I loosen my grip and stroke her angel soft hair. _

_"I'm not going anywhere." she says, I feel her lips pressed against my shoulder spread in what I know is a beautiful smile. _

_"I know Padmé, I know."_

_Now that I've realizes that I'm going down  
From all this pain you've put me through  
Every time I close my eyes I like it  
I can't go on not loving you..._

"It's all right Padmé." I falsely assured her.

She shifts slightly, opening her eyes. "Obi-Wan... the pain..."

"Shh." I hush her, tears threatening to brim as I watch her writhe in agony. I brush my lips briefly on her damp forehead and glance out the window. The doctor is late, and her contractions are coming closer and closer together. Suddenly I realize there is something I have never told her... something I should have told her everyday. I bend down and kiss her forehead again, but this time I do not pull away.

_I love you Padmé._

Sure, I said it with my mind, but I said it. And I know she heard me... I can tell from the shift in her emotions, the quickening of her heartbeat. Or that could have been from the knowledge that she is going to have to push something the size of a watermelon out of her nether regions. But it could have been because she heard me. Unexpectantly, she smiles for the first time since our reunion. She lifts her face up to capture my lips with her own in the most passionate and heartbreaking kiss of my life. She withdraws slowly and holds my gaze with her own.

_Who says I stopped loving you?_

For the first time in ten years, she responded to me... let me back into her mind. I am about to say something else when another contraction hits, this one worse than all the others. I try my best to ease the pain with my limited powers at the moment, shock has weakened my abilities. I bite my lower lips press feverish, soft kisses to her face and hands, wishing her pain away. Finally, the pain passes and a nurse informs us that the doctor will be in soon. Padmé sighs and nestles her cheek in my palm, her eyes hooded with with tear-dripping lashes. "Obi-Wan, I... I wish the child was yours." she says, looking into my eyes.

"So do I." I smile at her, brushing her hair out of her face. "We can pretend it is." I tease, gently tracing the outline of her lower lip with my forefinger.

She smiles wide, displaying her pearl white teeth, and kisses my hand.

_Cause it's all in my head  
I think about it over and over again  
And I can't keep picturing you with him  
And it hurts so bad, yeah  
Cause it's on in my head  
I think about it over and over again  
I replay it over and over again  
And I can't take it I can't shake it  
Nooo..._

I hold her first child in my arms, holding it out to her. She whispers the name she has chosen for him and attempts to touch him, when she begins to deliver the next child. I gather all my efforts and force the pain away, concentrating firmly on the contractions with every fiber off my being. I am rewarded when she sighs in relief and relaxes. I hand the next baby to her, hold it close to her face. It is a girl this time, a beautiful girl. Padmé whispers her name as well, and looks up at me.

Suddenly a wave of horror washes over me as her presence begins to disappear. She is dying.

_No! Padmé, hold on. I love you, I love you so, so much. You can't die, your children need you. I need you. _

_I love you too… I wish I could stay. _

_Anakin is gone. He can't hurt you anymore. Padmé... marry me._

She closes her eyes and gathers her strength. "Obi-Wan... there's still good in him. I know... there is..."

_Padmé? _

_Goodbye... my love._ Her head falls to rest on the white linen, her lips part.

_NO! Padmé!_

I call out to her again and again through our diminishing bond, even though I know it is futile. I no longer sense her, she is gone. My whole world crashes down around me, the wailing child in my arms almost seems to understand my pain, or be experiencing something close to it. I realize that my life no longer has even a flickering of meaning. That I could lose everything in one moment... is beyond me. A tear falls from my face, I quickly look away so the other Jedi will not notice. But a part of me no longer cares. I loved Padmé. I will always love her...

_Cause it's all in my head  
I think about it over and over again  
And I can't keep picturing you with him  
And it hurts so bad, yeah  
Cause it's on in my head  
I think about it over and over again  
I replay it over and over again  
And I can't take it I can't shake it  
Nooo..._

I hand baby Luke over to Beru, whatever part of me was left dying as I do so. I wish so badly that I could have kept the twins, even just one. To just have something left, some part of my one love to cling to. Beru smiles softly at me and walks back to join her husband on one of the sand dunes. I already know Owen does not approve of me, I still do not know why. But I know it means he will certainly not allow me to see Luke very often. I am surprised as tears roll down my cheeks, I did not think I had any left. Not wanting to be embarrassed by my show of emotion I turn and walk away, my feet heavy as steel blocks.

And now, sitting in my old wooden chair smoking my pipe, knowing my hair has long ago turned grey... I sigh with the knowledge that I shall always walk alone.

_Over and Over again  
Over and Over again  
Cause it's all in my head..._

* * *

**The End

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**

Hugs and love, Jasmine Larson


End file.
